While it's true, I probably could grow a respectable beard if I were willing to suffer through the weeks of awkward facial hair disbursement that would inevitably precede such an awesome thing, I have always thrown out half-hearted excuses for not growing one. "It wouldn't look cool" (obviously not true). "It would itch" (not enough to be a major obstacle). "I'm not doing it solely to spite Steve" (partly true).
Nay, friends. The true reason I won't grow a beard is that I don't want to participate in bringing about the coming apocalypse. You see, every time men have "beard-growing contests" and talk on and on about manly it is to grow facial hair and how it's totally natural and why should we have to trim our beautiful manes merely to please women who clearly will never understand, I see who really rolls their eyes -- women. And then I ponder those exact same sentiments previously uttered by our aforementioned prospective Paul Bunyans and Grizzly Adamses and apply them to women, who also have "beautiful manes" that are in all likelihood a pain in the ass to shave and that also are "totally natural." And that they might just take those ideas to heart and have similar contests. And as anyone who's ever experienced any type of pornography from the late 70's/early 80's is all too painfully aware, this would lead to nothing short of the coming apocalypse.
To that end, don't grow beards, no matter how cool they may be. The fate of the free world depends on it. Spread the word.
