Sample Rejection By Every Female, Ever

Hey, Dan. How are you?

Good? Oh well, that's great! That's really great that you're doing great. I mean, because you so deserve to be doing great.

Why do you think it's weird that I'm being so complimentary?! I'm always this complimentary to people, because I'm such a nice person.

So nice, in fact, that I've told you a lot of nice things I didn't really mean and hoped you wouldn't take to heart, but knew you would. Like, that time I said you were such a great person, and how any girl would be, like, ooooh so lucky to have you? Well, I -- no, no, I meant that, I totally did -- I just meant, any girl other than me. Simple caveat, really. I mean, we're talking about, like, three billion women in the world here, LOL. I can't be allowed just one little exception?

Hmmm... you're not saying much. Is it because you've heard this speech a thousand times before? What? You say it's because every guy on the planet has heard more or less this same speech a thousand times before and I could at least be original? That's not true! I bet Brad Pitt or Spencer from The Hills hasn't heard this speech before.

Okay, you want to know the real reason? It's because I'm messed up. Messed up and confused. I've been rendered completely incapable of ever loving another human being because [insert ex-boyfriend here] just totally broke my heart and I just can't fathom true love ever existing even in an alternate universe. See?! That's how messed up I am. You're not messed up, though. You're great and fun-loving and artistic and, just, totally everything I'd ever want in a guy, if only I just weren't so messed up. So you see? This totally just has absolutely nothing to do with you at all.

What?! That's not original either? You're saying you've been hurt, too? And that you still go on? Well, I know you've been hurt, I mean, who hasn't, but you can't possibly know what it feels like to have been hurt the way I have. My pain is just, well, you wouldn't understand. Jesus, you're making this way harder than it was supposed to be. I mean, I thought you'd be more mature about this whole thing. I thought you'd -- what? You're saying I'll say that, but then really I'll go hook up with other guys other than you who I'm apparently less messed up and/or confused about? Why would I ever go and do a thing like that?! That's soooo not how I am. I respect you way too much to do that -- unless, of course, I were to be drinking and it were to just sort of happen. Then -- well, under those kinds of highly unlikely circumstances, it would probably happen. But let's be real here. That's just how it goes. You understand.

Actually, what I'll probably more likely do, is tell you this about how the only reason we can't be together is that I'm confused and/or messed up, lay low for a couple months; we won't talk much for a while, and then suddenly I'll reappear with a brand new boyfriend who will in all probability just be a low-rent, watered down (but probably slightly better looking) version of you, but hey! That's how I like my relationships. With me in the driver's seat, never having to have my points of view philosophically challenged by anyone.

I knew you wouldn't understand. I guess you won't want to be "just friends" now. I mean, I know the "friendship" I'm offering you only consists of you pretending to not like me while I selfishly act like the world revolves around only my feelings and/or talk about my relationship problems with New Guy, or Right Now Guy, or We Fucked But He Stopped Calling Me And I Don't Get Why Guy, but, I mean, being "just friends" is just the mature thing for you to do in this situation. Also, I have a monopoly on what "maturity" means. It means anything I want it to mean in the context of this situation so that I can blame you for this being harder than I'd planned on it being.

So, sorry that you lack the maturity to grow up and just be cool with this. I can't in any way understand why you feel like you've been told one thing and shown another. But hey, that's life, right? You roll with the punches. Just roll with them.

Just as long as they're being delivered to you, and not me. Because then, you know. That would just suck.