(Capital city of state in question) -- The (state) Supreme Court declared in a (proportion) decision Monday that Article (obscure number), the decades-old law that prevented gays from marrying, was invalid under the state constitution. Chief Justice (person's name), who authored the decision, stated that the law was overturned on the basis of a passage in the state's constitution and other complicated shit no one fully understands. "What I'm trying to say," (name of Justice) stated frankly, "is that we are NOT participating in activist judgery."
Reactions to the decision has left (state)'s residents bitterly divided. "This is a heroic day for heroism," said Tim McFinnery, president of the GLBT group We The Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgenderal People Demand Rights!, based in southern (city). "It's great that the courts have finally gotten around to recognizing the obvious fact that no rational person really has any good reason to give a shit what we do in the privacy of our own homes."
Others were not so pleased. "ACTIVIST JUDGES FUCK SHIT LIBERAL ASSHOLES SODOMY GOD CONDEMNATION!!!" commented John J. Uppercrust, spokesman for Family Family Family Seriously This Is All About Family, a group with ties to Super-Mega-Ultra-Jesus-Ministries, a high profile church in (city). "MORAL FIBER SHIT ASS JESUS FROWN FAMILY VALUES MORAL LIBERAL ACTIVIST BULLSHIT GAY BIAS!!!"
The five most prominent Roman Catholic Bishops in the state released a joint statement early Monday, stating:
"THOUSAND YEARS SODOMY FAMILY PURSUE EVERY LEGAL AVENUE PRAYER UNDERSTANDING OF MARRIAGE GAY SEX GREIVOUS HARM TO CHILDREN!!!"
Seriously. Can't we just skip all this shit and just say "MARRIAGE LEGALIZED, OBNOXIOUS SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS ENSUES?" That would be easier and less degrading to the moral fiber of my brain waves.
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